Memorial Donations: Etiquette, ‘In Lieu of Flowers’, and Doing It Right in 2026

When an obituary ends with “in lieu of flowers, donations may be made to…”, it changes the etiquette of the entire funeral. Do you still send flowers? How much do you give? Does the family see the amount? And if you are the family, how do you set the request up so the money actually reaches the cause? Memorial donations are simple in spirit but full of small missteps that can embarrass mourners or, worse, leave the family without closure on who honored their loved one.

This guide covers the modern mechanics: how the request works, what mourners should give, how the notification flows, what is tax deductible, and how families can formalize a memorial fund that lasts beyond the funeral week.

What ‘In Lieu of Flowers’ Means (and What It Doesn’t)

The phrase dates back decades and survives in nearly every obituary that names a charity. Read it as a preference, not a prohibition. Emily Post’s guidance on funeral donations notes that the notation simply signals where the family would like contributions directed; it does not bar anyone from sending flowers alongside a gift. Many mourners do both, particularly close relatives who want a visible tribute at the service as well as the charitable one.

For families writing the notice, specificity helps everyone. “Donations may be made to the American Cancer Society” works; “donations to a charity of your choice” pushes mourners into guesswork and produces scattered, hard-to-track gifts. If the deceased had a long treatment relationship with one organization, or a passion for one cause, that is the natural choice.

How Much to Give: Practical Ranges

No rulebook sets the amount, but real-world practice clusters into recognizable bands:

When a whole workplace or congregation collects together, the pooled gift usually carries more weight than its total. The card should list everyone who contributed so the family can thank each person individually.

The Notification Chain: How the Family Finds Out

The flow differs by channel, and understanding it prevents the classic fear of “did my gift even register?”:

1. Direct to the charity: the organization records your gift, sends you a receipt, and periodically sends the family a list of donors, typically names and addresses without amounts. Larger charities send these notifications monthly; smaller ones may take longer.
2. Online memorial platforms (funeral home tribute pages, crowdfunding-style services) track gifts instantly and often display totals. Check privacy settings before donating if you would rather not appear publicly.
3. Funeral home collection: some services still pass a donation box or envelope at the service, especially for religious or community funds; the funeral director logs donors and forwards everything to the family or charity.

Whichever channel you use, the sympathy card is still your responsibility. A donation notifies the family eventually; a card tells them now, in your words.

What to Write in the Sympathy Card

The card accompanying a memorial donation should be brief, warm, and silent on amounts. Useful patterns:

• “A donation has been made to [charity] in memory of [name]. [He/She] touched so many lives, including ours.”
• “In honor of [name]’s lifelong love of animals, we’ve given to the [local rescue]. With deepest sympathy.”
• “Our hearts are with you. A gift in [name]’s memory has been sent to [charity]. No amount matters; only that his work lives on.”

Avoid any mention of the dollar figure, comparisons to other gifts, or instructions about what the money “should” fund. The family is grieving, not grant-making.

Tax Deductibility: What Qualifies and What Doesn’t

The tax treatment splits cleanly along one line: qualified charity or not.

The IRS treats memorial gifts to qualified organizations as charitable contributions, deductible by the person who made the gift, not by the estate or the family. Keep the receipt; the charity’s acknowledgment letter containing the required language (“no goods or services were provided”) is your documentation.

Setting Up a Memorial Fund That Lasts

Families who want something more durable than a week of donations have several structures, in ascending order of formality:

1. Designated gift fund at an existing charity. Ask the organization to open a named fund, such as “The Maria Gonzalez Scholarship Fund.” The charity handles administration, receipts, and tax compliance. This is the fastest and least expensive route.
2. Fiscal sponsorship. For a cause no existing charity covers, a fiscal sponsor (a 501(c)(3) that shelters new projects) can accept tax-deductible donations on the fund’s behalf for a small percentage fee.
3. Standalone nonprofit. Formal incorporation and IRS recognition; worthwhile only for large, ongoing funds with dedicated volunteers, since annual filings and compliance are real work.
4. Memorial scholarship through a school or foundation. Universities and community foundations run named scholarship funds with modest minimums, sometimes $10,000 to $25,000 endowed.

Whatever the structure, name a family point person for the fund, decide upfront how money will be spent, and publish a simple page describing the fund’s purpose. Most funds that stall do so because nobody owns them after the first month.

Common Memorial Donation Mistakes

• Mentioning your donation amount in the card or, worse, at the service. Etiquette is unanimous: give privately, acknowledge publicly.
• Donating to a similarly named but different charity. Copy the exact organization name and link from the obituary; a wrong-letter gift helps nobody and confuses the family.
• Skipping the card because you donated online. The online gift notifies the family late, if at all; the card is the human touch.
• Families listing five charities. Split attention splits gifts. One, or at most two, named organizations concentrate the tribute.
• Forgetting employer gift matching. Many employers match charitable gifts, sometimes doubling the tribute for free; check before donating.

Frequently Asked Questions

What does ‘in lieu of flowers’ actually mean?

It is a request in an obituary or death notice asking mourners to make a charitable donation instead of sending flowers. Despite its wording, it does not forbid flowers; families nearly always welcome both. Treat it as guidance about where your sympathy dollars do the most good.

How much should I give as a memorial donation?

There is no fixed amount. Common ranges run from $25 to $100 for acquaintances and coworkers, and $100 or more for close friends and relatives. Give what fits your budget; charities accept any amount, and the family is notified of names, not dollar figures.

Does the family see how much I donated?

Usually not. Most charities send the family a list of donor names and addresses without amounts, unless the donor explicitly asks that the amount be shared. Online memorial platforms may show totals publicly, so check the platform’s settings if you prefer privacy.

Are memorial donations tax deductible?

Donations to qualified 501(c)(3) charities are tax deductible if you itemize, and the receipt is issued to you as the donor, not to the deceased or the family. Donations to crowdfunding pages, individuals, or non-charitable funds generally are not deductible.

What should I write in the card when I make a memorial donation?

Keep it short and personal: the deceased’s name, a sentence of sympathy, and a note that a donation was made. Example: ‘A donation has been made to the American Heart Association in memory of Robert. He will be deeply missed.’ Avoid mentioning the amount.

How do I set up a memorial fund after someone dies?

You can work with an existing charity to create a named fund, use a fiscal sponsor, or set up a dedicated account at a bank with the family’s approval. For donations to qualify as tax deductible, the fund must route through a qualified charitable organization rather than a personal account.

Related Resources

• The Emily Post Institute’s guidance on funeral donations in lieu of flowers covers wording, timing, and family notifications: emilypost.com – Funeral Etiquette: Donations
• The IRS explains charitable contribution rules and what documentation deductible gifts require: irs.gov – Charitable Contributions

Planning ahead removes the financial stress that follows a death. Learn how funeral costs break down, review funeral home etiquette for the service itself, or explore final expense insurance as a way to pre-fund these moments. For broader protection, start with a free life insurance quote.

Give your family one less decision to make in a hard week. Compare term life insurance quotes today and pre-fund the plans that matter.